I’m inhaling..and exhaling..inhaling…exhaling. I’m still alive…but why do I feel so dead inside? I know what you’re thinking. Here we go again..you spiritual nomads will never be happy with yourselves.. You comprehend what life is about really well, but you choose not to embrace these ideas that pop into your heads.
I’d like to think that I’m not the only one with these philosophical shit in my head. And don’t even think of saying “nomad, you think too much” cos let me tell you this, 99% of the time when I’m doing something stupid, I’m NOT thinking. I don’t think much about consequences. Well actually, I do. But my bollywood-state-of-mind always seems to think that things will be alright in the end. I’m an idealist. I have always been one. How do you break a 21 year-old habit?
You know what I wish to have most in this life? An imanometer. You know, a tool to measure your iman. Wouldn’t life be much easier? You weigh your good and bad deeds. If you screwed up, you know what you can do to redeem yourself. That way you can just catapult your way back to heaven. If your imanometer says you’re 50% good and 50% bad, you could just move a rock out of a pathway and then you’ll instantly become 50.1% good and 49.9% bad. And you’ll go, “heaven, here I come!”
Seriously. Who am I kidding? Humans couldn’t care less if God decides to give us an imanometer. We’ll still run around with bags of sins cos we think we’ll always have time to repent, if not fully, then maybe just by shifting to the good side by one percent. Why do we delay repentance? Why do we think that we’re somebody special that Allah is going to bestow His Mercy on? Who are we but an insignificant portion of a grain of sand.
This whole thing is just basically me nagging at myself, really.. I envy people who are so grounded. I could think of two people I’m most envious of where spiritual health is concerned. Sya- the most humble person I have ever met…and Husna- the most spiritually-happy person I know. (Erm, please note that I’m talking about people my age..or in this case, younger..cos they’re both younger than me). Oh hey yeah, Farah too. Gosh, I’m amazed by how knowledgeable she is about the contents of the Quran. Amazed, I tell ya.
It’s so hard for me to grab hold of my identity being in a place where people don’t think much of me and keep mistaking me to be from a place I don’t really want to be associated to. It’s tough being an alien and dressed for the part too, well at least in their eyes. It’s difficult being outside of madrasah..outside of my comfort zone..No more being reminded every day, no more guidance, no more advices, no more abundant exemplary figures. After years of having the luxury to be reminded to think of Allah every day, I feel so lost without them. I miss the security, the serenity.
It’s easy to say to myself, “why the hell should you care about what they think? What Allah thinks of you should matter more.” In fact, I say it to myself all the time.. I’m MORE concerned about what God thinks of me. I’m more CONCERNED about what God thinks of me. I’m more concerned about what GOD thinks of me. I seem to stress on different words each time I say that phrase. It reaches a point where I just yell out I’M MORE CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT GOD THINKS OF ME. But once I’m in a pickle, I seem to lose my mantra.
Feel a whole lot better now compared to when I started writing this entry. I always seem to conclude my thoughts with “woman, you gotta put in more effort to to land yourself a space in heaven and be given the privilege to meet Allah.” Like everything else in life, we have to work hard to strengthen our relationship with the Almighty. It’s easy to say all these in the moment of clarity..it’s always difficult to remind yourself to be on the right path…
This is me reminding myself.
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