my dying obsession with new beginnings

i have been eating a lot. A LOT. and i've grown horizontally too.

so how bad is it?

well, i was doing the 'cookie' dance in front of the fridge when i saw cookies just now. oh, that was not allll. i even sang "i saw cookies. i saw cookies". if you're wondering how it sounds it's like this:
first, say I.
good job!
next, say saw.
awesome.
then, say uuuh.
you're doing a great job!
lastly, substitute the 'oo' in 'cookies' with 'uuuh'.
now try to put it all together.
geddit?

okayyy
somebody's a little high on sugar .

i'm in trouble aren't I?

anyway..so it's the beginning of 2008 and also 1429H..
i wish i can say this year WILL be better than the last..but i dont know for sure if that will happen..however, i will stay positive..

i didnt make any resolutions..nor did i held any funeral for my old life. in fact, i think i'm going to dig that grave i filled up on dec 31st 2006. i dont want this year to be another re-run of last year. life was pretty messed up last year. nah, 'messed up' isn't quite it. the better word would be: empty.

i feel like i've gained a lot last year, but i've lost a lot more. I’ve changed physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally . I noticed I’m not the only one who’s changed. Many of my friends changed too. I seem to have lost touch with a lot of friends. Some I chose it to be that way, others I find myself to be the victim. I’ve learnt a lot about friendships after a black eye, a few bruises and deep cuts. Friends I used to scrape my knees for to catch them are still here but somehow absent.

i probably said or did a lot of things i didnt mean..or said things that i meant but in a wrong way or wrong tone..if i've offended anybody, i apologise. if you feel like you've been punched by me, i'm sorry. and if you feel like i've stabbed you, please forgive me. i am no saint and i'll try to stop pretending like i'm one.

i regret hurting others. but i have no regrets in a way cos if I do then it would mean I’m denying the lessons I’ve learnt. thank you lovers as well as haters for what you've taught me.

I haven’t been thinking about life as much as I used to..but when I do, I think about how it itches being buried in sand up to my neck. i cant remember the last time i wrote a poem. heck, it has been a while since i last wrote in my diary. Words no longer prance around in my head. Songs that used to have a different meaning, means different now.

I'm different now.

i kinda miss that weirdo who sat under the tree ten times bigger than her just to write poems..

i miss that girl who cares about the world..who would run down the stairs no matter how many times she stumbles and hurts herself just to open her arms to catch a friend.

i miss being a friend to myself...

i know things will eventually change..

and maybe, just maybe, i'll wake up to that day tomorrow..

only Allah knows..



"If you don't enjoy what you are doing, then before long you are going to be tired and you won't find stability. If you have a passion, then you are going to be challenged everyday to give your best." - Delores "Michael Jordan's mamma" Jordan

i dont know what to make out of what i know now.