reflecting on what shoe fits and what shoes to wear

Lately, I’ve been busy understanding life that I couldn’t find time to blog. Hahh. Yeah, righttt. Well…..it’s partially true. I’ve been writing down my thoughts and feelings in my diary instead cos in there my emotions are fresh and raw and less edited, unlike in here. Also, I kinda feel bad for neglecting Daisy ever since I started blogging. Erm, Daisy is the name of my diary btw..heh..

I’m not sure what these days are..
I feel like I’m seeking but not looking..
Discovering but not finding..
Sensing but not feeling..
I’m in a mess, yet I’m compartmentalised..
I want to tear out the ‘tear here’ label on my heart to pour its content out,
Yet I’m not sure if there’s any content…
I want good to be written all over me..on my fingerprint..on every strand of hair..on the curve of my mouth..everywhere..but..i’m not sure what good means…

Sometimes I think my heart breathes at the sound of cries and dies at the sound of laughter..
Hah.
Something about grief feels like home.
It’s sickening really how the happy moments just pass me by and those sad ones seem to linger..
I want the rainbow to take me home..
to another home I hope I’m destined to be in..
I’m tired of being serious and depressed. Let me unwind. Entertain the foolish side of me.. let it grow. I want to learn to hate darkness. I want to feel uncomfortable lying at the bottom..

Work made things worse. I began to feel like maybe teaching is not my thing..maybe I’m not meant to teach. This was when the word ‘average’ popped into my head again. Average teacher, average human being, average Muslim, average student, average friend, average writer, average everything. It’s like I’m ‘ok’ at everything, but great at nothing. Hm..i just pictured Peter Petrelli when I said that. Haha..Erm, never mind. Watched too much Heroes.

The thought that I am average was pulling me down..ok, now I’m thinking of Syler. ANYwayyy, well, it was pulling me down, until a friend asked me *dove ad style*: “average or versatile?”. Hmm..i never thought of it that way..but I still wasn’t ‘consoled’.

“Fight for your passion, your place,” he said.

Then it hit me.

I am a quitter.

I quit when things don’t go my way. I quit when things go bad…no matter how passionate I was about that something. Like mentoring..spreading the truth about Islam..and many more..even friendships. I started to think that maybe that the only thing that I’m great at is quitting!

“Why beat yourself up?
Pick one more thing,
And stay.
Even if you wanna quit, don’t.
Fight.
Stay.
You are the heroine of your story
The main character
You want it to be a tragedy
Then it will be
You want it to be a romance
It will be.
So what you want it to be?”

I never thought of it that way. Being the drama queen that I am, I’m very tempted to say that I want my life to be a tragedy.. but the truth is, deep down inside, I really want a happy ending.

This realisation cleared clouds in my head on other issues as well.

I think I’m happier now.

correction.

I AM happier now :)

So, I'm sticking to my job. I am not going to quit just because the kids are not as sugar-coated as i thought they were. Come Monday, all hell will break loose! huhu..

cya ard folks~

dunno when..

hee.

adios~

It’s amazing what the right words can do at the right time.