cloudy no more

Yes, that’s how much time I have in my hands (after work).
Buy balloons
Blow balloons
Steal my mom’s benang
Atttach the benang onto the balloons
Tie it to my lamp
Move it here and there
Take picture of it over and over again

Too much time I tell ya.

I was feeling lousy earlier. Doing this thing actually made me a lot happier! It’s stuzy (stupid + crazy) I know..or “tak siuman” whatever..but I can’t help it!

Mom: basithah, you are no longer a kid.
Me : I still am! *defiantly*
Mom: no, you’re almost 21.
Me : exactly! All the more I should enjoy before turning 21!

Hahh.

I’m beginning to realise how close I am to getting my results. Some people say it’s the following Friday after Os, some people say next month. I don’t know…

I have been avoiding this whole thing for the last two months by keeping myself occupied. My SECOND attempt..supposed to be better bla bla bla bla..

I started to dream about studying psychology in NUS in sec2. Made it to Maarif to take my A levels. First attempt: B,C,E,D7,B4. pretty bad.

Pretty bad- that pretty much sums up my life after being rejected by NUS. Not that it’s unexpected. So I decided to give myself another chance before I surrender to my second choice; to learn about Islam in depth at UIA.

I plucked the courage and went back to school. Alone. The first few days, I didn’t even mix with people outside my classroom. I came to school early. I leave school early. That was my plan. I thought that failing to get to NUS and stepping into the school alone with people glaring at me or giving me sympathetic stares will magically give me this drive to achieve better results. Oh boy, was I wrong.

I was my own worst enemy at this moment of my life. My heart wanted to move on, but my mind just cried blood of yesterday’s disappointments. School just wasn’t the same. I was in the same class as I was in ’05, but the people were different. I couldn’t accept many things. I started school in the third term, was absent a lot of times. Certain days I was physically sick. Some days I faked physical sickness cos I was feeling sick and scarred mentally and emotionally.

Thinking back, it was all a lot of bullshit actually..this whole ‘in denial’ thing. Some days I just asked myself whether I really want another shot at NUS. If so, then why was I sabotaging my opportunity? Those days, I just let the rain get me cos I know that no matter how much the rain washes me, it can never cleanse the mountainous dirt inside.

My prelim was horrendous. I think many of the teachers were disappointed in me. I think my principal is disappointed in me. I couldn’t forget my first day back at school. I went to her office to tell her that I was officially back, and the first thing she did was she hugged me. She talked to me and she rubbed my head gently the way an adult would to a little child, in a way to say that everything was going to be fine. Firstly, it’s not normal for her to do such a thing. Secondly, I was never her favourite student cos I wasn’t the smartest..but when she did that, I felt that it didn’t matter cos I know that she wanted the best for me. I left her office teary-eyed. …I don’t know how she’s gonna react when she sees my results. Biba, Cekza and Jelot, the three of you set the standards pretty high! Hehh..hope I can do it like you guys did!

Honestly, I have no regrets. Some people think that I wasted my time retaking my As cos I really could’ve goen to SIM or UIA already cos I was qualified to. What these people don’t understand is; I WANTED a second chance…and now I know what second chance feels like. I also learnt that I suck at correcting my mistakes, so from now on, I really should work hard with what I’ve got. Take every chance as though it’s my last.

I also learnt a lot about people. For once, I saw my teachers as humans beings first, that they make mistakes too. Like Ms Spiderweb Sr would always quote in class, “to err is human”. It was at this point that I found deep love and respect towards teachers whom I used to not favour.

I certainly do not regret knowing my ’06 classmates. I will cherish you guys forever! Each and every one of you who gave me support when I was down by telling me things I needed to hear..and of course, thanks for welcoming my weird little self with open arms. I’ll never forget you kids. I’m sorry if your support seemed wasted, and also, sorry that I wasn’t really t here at gatherings..but with all honesty, I really do love you guys! Again, thanks for your love and support.

Of course I LOVE my ’05 classmates too! Like duh! I grew as a person with you guys..thank you for your faith in me! I wish we have more time to spend together in future..insyaAllah. you guys are my BESTEST friends ever! Rain’s kids :)

If I hadn’t gone back to school, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to attend life-changing conferences or seminars that the school sent me to..like The Journey To Ihsan at M.Sultan, the 4 mazhab at MWTI, the reading circles at NUS and so much more. Also, I wouldn’t have met a bunch of great people too, like Syafiqah, Mr.Nawab, Husna, Syed, Ikhsan and soo many moreeee…! And of course, if I hadn’t gone to these seminars, I don’t think my friendship with you, Izzy, would be as cool as it is now :)

So yeah, no regrets.

People told me that things were gonna be fine. “InsyaAllah you’ll make it to NUS this time”..etc.. these people who blindly supported me, I’ll appreciate for the rest of my life! I love each and every one of you for your faith and encouragement..sometimes I think I don’t even deserve it cos I didn’t work for it. The meaning of ‘making it’ was like a flickering light bulb to me; sometimes I get it, sometimes I don’t. but thanks for standing by me…we’ll see how it all ends..or begin..whichever..

Even if I fail to get to NUS this time, I know that I’ve gained a lot. And all these I’ll take with me whichever way destiny leads me..cos even in the gutter, there’s life.

I just wanted to let it all out. I’m guessing no one read this whole thing..haha..that, im smart to know. But if you did read every word…then er….you so free ah? Haha..but thanks :)

Oh, one last thing. Im in love with a the OMNI GT-Grip RT 0.5 pen!
Gerek!

Ok, ciao~